When Rest Is The Reward
The holiday season is officially here. The refrigerator is packed with casserole leftovers and the dishwasher is jammed with clean dishes from last night’s family feast. Many have been holiday shopping since dawn, hoping to beat the rush and find the perfect sale for the perfect gifts. The Christmas tree is partially decorated, while mismatched remnants of fall decorations are still hanging around. Reminders that there’s a lot to do today to stay on schedule. While Black Friday is typically a day off, many of us are working to hustle and bustle from one holiday to the next.
On a day which could be spent cozied up with my dog and a good book, I’m instead noticing that there’s a mountain of “shoulds” competing for my time and energy. I “should” put away the fall decorations. I “should” haul all the Christmas stuff down from the cold attic and make it merry around here. I “should” spend 2 hours untangling the outdoor lights and extension cords so that my house, too, looks festive this evening. I really “should” get out that giant inflatable Santa and muscle that monstrosity into place as well. I “should” also get to work on that gift list. It’s expected that all of this happen today, right?
But isn’t this list of rules just in my head? In our heads, as a collectively busy and exhausted culture that rewards productivity instead of rest. Yes, it’s just a belief that I find myself beholden to year after year on the day after Thanksgiving. It’s become an unspoken personal rule – a core belief.
I attended a conference for my state’s professional counseling association last year and heard one of the best explanations of how core beliefs are often automatic and misleading. I honestly don’t remember the subject of the session, but I do remember this line: “Your first thought is not your fault, but your second thought is your responsibility.” Full stop. The idea here is that our “shoulds” are our first thoughts, and likely not true. Core beliefs can be operating procedures that were helpful at some point in our lives. Sometimes the “shoulds” are learned behaviors that were reinforced by family or societal norms. They can even be survival responses to threatening experiences that seem so vital that they are hard to shake. No matter the origin, first thoughts are generally untrue, however we allow them to rule our decisions, despite their fallacy.
If the first thought, or the “should” is an automatic response to something that was not my fault, how can I learn to be responsible for my second thought? Well, for starters, I can listen to my nervous system telling my brain to pay attention. If my feelings are pleading with me to snuggle up with my dog on the couch this morning and enjoy my half-decorated tree, fall wreaths, and hot coffee, could I listen? Is my yawning from a full day of cooking, entertaining and socializing yesterday reminding me to rest? Is the feeling of resentment towards others, who chose to rest today, telling me that perhaps it’s ok to take the day off entirely and not do the “shoulds”? You bet they are!
One of the most problematic first thoughts in our culture is that “rest is the reward”. When I get through my list today, then I’ll rest; Once I put in the hard work, then I’ll enjoy some down-time; I get to care for myself after I have cared for others. These are examples of core beliefs that can lead to exhaustion, cynicism and emptiness, the ingredients for burnout. Rest is a necessary task for healthy living. It’s not a reward to savor, it’s wired into our biology. Some healthy second thoughts instead might be: I deserve to rest today; I can accomplish 1-2 things on my list after I do something for myself; I need to take care of myself first, then I’ll have the energy to attend to others. Flipping priorities like this allows us to fill our tanks first. It’s a kinder way to treat ourselves. It’s sustainable, responsible, and allows to one keep moving forward.
Therapy can uncover your first thoughts and replace the “shoulds” with healthier thinking. Are you ready to stop rewarding your hard work with rest? Visit www.wellnesswithlorraine.org to discover how you, too, can learn to prioritize your own wellness.
